Coping with redeployment adjustments

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Ok so a lot of people told me on my last post about Honesty and Blogging that I should just throw caution to the wind and write my feelings, so here is the start of that.

Lately I have been feeling a little overwhelmed, and life has been pretty hectic, I have started some new ventures, the munchkins are back in school, and we are all trying to adjust to life with Daddy back.

A lot of people look forward to the return of their loved one from deployment and I am not unlike those people, I counted hours until the day I would see him again, I even decided to move back because I was sick of being away from him,  A lot of people will also talk about how great it is to have them home, and how much better life is with them home and in some ways they are right, of course life is “better” I mean you no longer have to sleep alone, you no longer have to worry about their safety, you no longer are a single parent, things of that nature, and of course it is nice to have them home, after all you love them, but what people don’t talk about a lot is the adjustment.  You see it’s not so simple when they come home because they are used to being without their family, they are used to being in a war zone, they are used to only having to think about themselves.  You are used to not having them there, you are used to your routine, you are used to doing things your way and by yourself. So when you come back together it is a little like first moving in with someone, you have to learn to live with each other again, and it is not always easy.  While they are away you forget about the things that drove you completely up the wall, and while they are gone they have usually missed you so much that they are convinced they won’t do those things anymore.  As an example my husband happens to be an xbox, tablet, computer addict, It seems like no matter what when he is not at work he has a controller or electronic in his hand, before he left for deployment I told him he would miss us and not his xbox, because he much of the time spent very little time with us.  and while he was deployed he told me how right I was and how much he had been thinking about it, and how he was going to change when he got home, and he did for about a week, then things went right back to the way they were before. He would come home from work and go straight to the game, and usually will stay on it for most of the night,  if we were having a conversation he would have his tablet in his hand doing something else. and I was frustrated, I am frustrated, For one I used to be a gamer too, I loved to play, but once we had children and responsibilities I stopped playing and I feel like I am the only one who had to sacrifice, and it frustrates me, besides that I get upset that I left my family in New York, made a 5 day drive home, and put a lot of work into being able to be here only to watch him play his electronics, I feel like I could have been lonely(maybe even less lonely) had I stayed in New York.  Needless to say this has been causing some tension and he keeps trying to work on it, but I have lost faith in that because he has been saying that for years.  I want to feel like I come before the electronics and I don’t.  With that said I do not think that he should never play, I just wish he could control the amount of time he does.  Another adjustment takes place with the munchkins, they are used to only listening to me, they are used to always coming to me, and he is used to not having to deal with children.  This can be tricky because it’s almost as if he doesn’t always know how to handle them, and he gets upset too easily, It’s also as if they don’t always know how to handle him, mainly because they do not really know what his expectations are because him and I have different parenting techniques( It may be a lot easier if we could get on the same page, but that has always been a hard part) this gets easier as the days go by, and eventually they will all be used to each other again, but for awhile it causes some frustration.  You also have to deal with the fact that your loved one probably seen some messed up stuff during deployment and it changes them a little, you never know how it will change them and you usually learn it a little at a time.  Not all of the changes are negative, but they are changes and some of them can be negative.  My husband tends to get upset and agitated so much quicker these days, and I usually have to find ways to adjust so that I do not end up aggravated and upset as well.  He also views things a little differently, some of them in a better way and some in a negative way, but rather the change is good, bad, or indifferent it is still change and you still have to learn, just like in the beginning of a relationship at about the time it has reached the comfortable time period and the very real part of your partner starts to come out and you learn new things about them a little at a time. Another adjustment is you yourself, because let’s face it chances are you have changed too, and just like you are learning about them again, they are learning the new things about you.

Yes I am thrilled he is home, Yes it is also difficult, there I said it!

I don’t usually write blogs like this, mostly because I do not want my husband to be upset about it, and I also don’t want people to view my husband as a bad person, because over all he is not, but I would like to be able to write them, because far too many people do not write or talk about it because they are afraid that they will look like bad people if they say anything negative about living with their partner again, and  I want other people to know they are not alone, and that adjusting to life after deployment can be hard even if you are extremely happy your loved one is home.

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