Category Archives: Humor

She drew WHAT??? Am I…oh my..yes I think I am

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So last night I was tucking Miss C into bed when I noticed a paper on the floor.  I picked it up and it was a picture she drew, so I asked her what it was and she said she drew it at school. I must admit the picture had me a little confused:
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As soon as I looked at it funny she started to clear up the confusion:
C: Don’t worry Mommy I will put pants on you, Don’t look at that
Me: THAT’S ME?
C: Uhhh I told you not to look at it
Me: Wait what is that?
C: gets close to my ear and whispers “that’s your pee pee”
Now I have to confess my tired butt didn’t even see the lovely yellow part until:
C: don’t worry I will change that to water
Me: Wait What? AM I PEEING?
C: Uhh it’s okay mommy I will make a bowl and it will just look like you are pouring water

I wonder what her teacher thought of this lovely drawing of her mommy, or how many friends snickered when she said Mommy is peeing….and just look at that hoohaa I have…that doesn’t look right…I swear it’s a hoohaa…stop laughing people!
I also have to wonder who all the little girls in the picture are….and is that a radio with music notes? So if I have it right I was having a dance party, rocking out to the music and peed all over…

And this is how my daughter sees me? A party girl who can’t control her bladder….Thanks C Thanks…but that was many years ago ūüėČ

Pulled ear muscles and a flirty husband

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Today I braved the Commissary on payday, which is a feat in itself, but what is the zoo of the commissary on pay day was nothing compared to the things that came out of my child’s mouth while we were there.

Besides the normal “I’m going to fart out my taco” (yes that’s normal) talk we had quite the evening of our son leaving us either laughing hysterically or completely speechless.

On the way there we were talking in the car, and out of the blue after I said something nice A goes “Holla”

I was like Oh shit, did they bring that whole Holla thing back? Apparently the answer is YES because all his friends say holla.

At the store A was acting like his crazy high strung self, running around and being loud, while I thought about hiding behind a wall of soda to escape the looks of strangers, when my husband tugged A’s ear…

A: “Oww that hurt”
The husband: “Seriously”
A: “Yes you tugged on my muscle, I think I got a pulled muscle now”
Me: “A pulled muscle in your ear?”
A: “Exactly”
Me: “Your ear doesn’t have any muscle”
A: (Very Loudly) “So what your butt has a muscle but your ear doesn’t?”
The husband: “Your butt is a muscle”
A: “I know, so your ear doesn’t have 1 single muscle?”
At this point the people around us are giggling to themselves
Me: “Oh for goodness sake your ear is cartilage not muscle”

Now for the next thing I have to give you a little back story: My husband happens to be one of those guys that totally flirts with girls, and he does it naturally, I have been telling him for years and he looks at me like I’m crazy.

We are walking out to our car and for those of you who don’t know at the Commissary someone brings your groceries to the car, it just happens that the person bringing our groceries out is a girl, and of course my husband turns into what appears to be a 14 year old boy trying to act cool to get a girl to notice him. ¬†A, C and I are walking ahead of them…

A: “Mom he’s flirting with that girl”
Me: shhh
A: “seriously do you hear him?”
Me: shhhh
A: “you better watch out mom she’s gonna steal yo man”
Me: (trying not to fall over laughing)¬†“I;m not worried now shhh”
A turns around looks at his dad and says “You better knock that off”
No reply NO nothing
A: “He’s still flirting”

At this point I can’t completely stifle my laughter and small giggles are escaping,

We get to the car load it up and I am standing outside smoking, I ask the husband if he heard any of what A was saying. He says no, so I fill him in, no wonder no reply he didn’t even hear him, now my husband is laughing and all like “Really?1?”

We get in the car and I tell A to tell him what he thought he was doing on the walk to the car, so A rehashes everything he says to me

The husband: “Is that so?”
A: “yea”
The husband laughs
A: “You do that almost every time there’s a girl”
The husband: “I do what”
A: “You act different when there is a girl around”
The husband: “I do that all the time?”
A: “Pretty much, especially when we go on post, that’s where you see the most girls that you talk to”

At this point I am dying laughing, while attempting to give him the I told you so look, The husband says he’ll work on that, all I’m saying is good job A, now he knows I am not crazy!

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Those are not the man and woman I grew up with

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Do you ever find yourself staring at your parents as they interact with your children wondering just where in the hell those people came from? They certainly are not the same people who raised you. ¬†Those people meant business, they didn’t mess around, you messed up you got your ass beat, and speaking of, they considered it messing up if you flew down the stairs in one of their laundry baskets, or colored on their walls. ¬†Yet you just watched your child throw a ball and knock down their favorite lamp sending it crashing into the wall, causing a small hole to appear, and thought to yourself, UHOH you are gonna get it small child, and then the next minute you are standing there with your mouth on the ground trying to figure out if your parents have started taking high doses of happy pills since you’ve grown up, ¬†watching them with unbelieving eyes as they clean up broken glass and assure their precious grandchild that accidents happen.
How are you suppose to have any credibility when your child back talks you, or dumps 4 bottles of brand new expensive shampoo and body wash all over the bathroom floor and you tell them “You’re lucky you aren’t me, my mom would have whooped my ass for that and my dad would have had me mowing the lawn for 2 weeks to pay for the soap I ruined?”

Then I seen this and It made perfect sense:
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Not so guilt filled chocolate Peanut Butter recipes, and a crazy niece

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My niece is always trying to get me to get her ice cream, the girl would probably eat ice cream all day every day if I let her, so this one time I conceded and we went to the gas station to get some ice cream. ¬†I immediately grab for the chocolate peanut butter(If you guys haven’t noticed by now, I am a little more than slightly addicted to that combination)
Me: ooo they have chocolate peanut butter
Her: We could go to the other gas station and check
Me: You don’t like chocolate peanut butter?
Her: Not really, I really don’t care for chocolate
Me: Ok fine we will go to the other gas station
Her: K

We drive over to the other gas station

*she immediately grabs a small thing of chocolate peanut butter…WAIT WHAT? DID I MISS SOMETHING? We’re we conversing in different languages that only sound alike?

Me: I thought you didn’t like chocolate peanut butter, you make me go to a different place because you didn’t want chocolate peanut butter, and now you pick chocolate peanut butter
Her: (As if that is not the least bit crazy) Ok I’ll pick something else
Me: k

*She reaches in and grabs Chocolate Marshmallow…ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? What happened in 5 minutes to the girl that didn’t care for chocolate? Am I being punk’d right now? Where’s the camera’s

Me: What the hell, I thought you didn’t care for chocolate
Her: I like this

OK whatever, I give up, clearly she is happy with her choice, for all I know aliens abducted her for 10 minutes then returned her without me ever realizing it, That has to be the only reasonable explanation right? ¬†Because any other explanation may have me driving her to the nearest mental facility, do not pass go, do not collect $200…nada

I grab a bag of Peanut Butter M&M’s and put them on the counter too, she slaps up a bag of skittles
My mind says something like this: Why sure I will buy you some skittles, anything else princess?

Walk out of the store I open my bag of M&M’s put 1 in my mouth and she holds out her hand…
Wait a minute I buy you ice cream and skittles and you still want to steal my chocolate? The whole point of me getting this chocolate was that my munchkins weren’t with me and I could scarf it down before they even knew I had it(and I didn’t have to hide in a closet)

I stayed strong people, she did not get my M&M’s and somehow I managed not to strangle her before we got home.

Now if you are like me ¬†and want to watch your figure(don’t judge from my moment of peanut butter M&M weakness lol), but still enjoy some yummy ¬†peanut butter and chocolate combinations You will love my Less Guilt Chocolate Peanut Butter Recipes on pinterest¬†(With all the yummy chocolate peanut butter recipes I have found so far, that may not add 10lbs to your hips) You’re welcome ūüėČ

And this is my very favorite cookie recipe, Peanut Butter Chocolate No Bakes, I got it from my mom, so I am not sure where she got it from, but they are lower in fat and calories than most cookies, but taste DELICIOUS:

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You Need;
1/2 stick of butter
1 cup of sugar(you can use sugar substitute if you prefer, but I find it to taste a little funny when done)
1/4 cup of milk
1 1/2 Tbsp of cocoa
1/2 cup creamy peanut butter
2 cups of regular oats
Waxed paper

To make:
In a large saucepan, add butter, sugar, cocoa, and milk and bring to a boil
As soon as it starts to boil take the pan off of the heat and add peanut butter stir quickly and then add oats
Drop by spoon fulls(smaller ones take less time to set, but you can pretty much do any size you prefer) onto waxed paper
Put in the fridge and let set until firm

ENJOY!

Nailed it, Nail polish fail

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My niece and I were having a sleep over and we found this great idea on pinterest for painting our nails:
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So we decided why not? Seems easy enough right, just drop some polish in water, lube up your fingers and dip em in and it’s super cute, so to start out we only had a few colors, ¬†so we used white, black, purple, and green
We filled the bowl with water(we did this 3 times trying luke warm, hot and cold)
put drops of nail polish in (we tried a little, a medium amount and a lot)
jellied up our fingers, Stuck em in and Viola..
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¬†I would love to see a real person who has done this and had good results…anyone?

Revenge is below me

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I would just like to say thank you to my daughters PK teacher, or whoever is responsible for handing out day camp brochures to the 4 and 5 year old children as they exited the class.  My daughter in particular was super excited about the prospect of going to day camp.  She was in such a good mood, and with her you never really know what you are going to get when you pick her up from school, but that was literally all she wanted to talk about it, so I decided to take a look before we left the parking lot. Dates were good, price was good, and then I scanned a page on the brochure and this is what it said

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Great! Now what the hell was a I supposed to do? ¬†I could not say anything and she would continue to be the joyous little girl she currently was, that sounded good, but eventually I would have to tell her, and then she might be mad at me for letting her believe she could go, she is smart like that. Plus I don’t want to let her build up all that excitement just to break her heart. ¬† The problem was the ¬†alternate option didn’t seem great either. Option 2 was telling the truth, I would have to tell her that camp is only for ages 6 and up, and then deal with the drama that would surely ensue. ¬†That didn’t sound like fun to me. ¬†The thing is I have always believed in honesty and I have spent all of my children’s lives telling them that they needed to be honest, and that lying was for the weak. ¬†So I did what I had to do, I told her, I told her that she couldn’t go because she wasn’t old enough and then she cried, and cried, and cried. ¬† I had to stop at the gas station to pick up some diet coke on the way home and another child from her class was there with his mom, and guess what he was doing? ¬†Did you guess crying? ¬† Seems he found out the same harsh truth about day camp. ¬†I sat in the store feeling particularly bad for both children, and then I did what any self respecting mother would do. ¬†I bought them both candy and donuts! ¬†If you didn’t know this I am telling you now candy and donuts make everything better! ¬†I watched as their little faces went from devastated to smiling. ¬†There is a problem with Candy and Donuts though, they don’t last forever and as she finished her last mini sugar coated donut, she asked again “How come I can’t go to camp?” ¬†I didn’t want to repeat the same thing I had already said because I didn’t want her to repeat the same crying she had already done, so I told her that our vacation to the beach was in 17 days and it would be much much better than camp. ¬†Success! ¬†Now all she is talking about is the beach! ¬†Of course because I fed her candy and donuts she is also talking about the beach a mile a minute and I am pretty sure she is in there ¬†packing as I type

But back to the subject at hand, what kind of person hands out a brochure for a day camp that is made for children over 6 years old to a classroom full of Preschoolers? Is it some kind of sick joke? ¬†Guess what tomorrow before she goes to school I am going to feed her more candy and donuts….and my sister is the lunch lady so maybe I will send in a note with C and some money so she can give the whole class ice cream……

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I may be raising serial killers

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I know it sounds crazy, but the more time I spend with my munchkins the more I believe they would put Bonnie and Clyde to shame in the killing department, and they would be so much more entertaining to watch should it ever be turned into a movie.

I guess maybe they could also just be shoe ins for horror flick acting, It’s more the little one than the big one, so she would be the ring leader, her older brother would probably just be the one calling the shots on who was going to die ¬†and to ya know laugh hysterically every time she said anything evil. ¬†He did once ask me how much cyanide you would have to put in someone’s food for them to die, I couldn’t tell if he was concerned someone was poisoning him, or if he had a person he was wanting taken care of, what I can tell you is I didn’t eat anything I didn’t prepare myself for the next couple days, and I never left my food unattended. ¬†He also came home from school one day and said that he wished he could chop someone’s head off and throw it in a trashcan, This was all because he wasn’t able to go outside and had to watch some boring movie instead. ¬†The good news on his end is he hates the sight of blood and there is very little he isn’t afraid of, he’s definitely a behind the scenes kind of kid. ¬†Then there’s the girl, that’s the one you really have to look out for, she has a thing for evil sayings, some of them down right disturbing and some probably not even meant to be evil but the way they come out of a toddler/child’s mouth send chills down your spine

Quotes from C to back up my theory:

*She walks into the computer room one day looks at her dad and says “Hey Daddy when we kill people we laugh right?”

WTF?? She was 3 at the time, I can only hope it was because he plays video games

*Recently we were play wrestling and she was losing, so she informed me “I’m am going to bite your meat right off of you”

VIOLENT little thing!

* We were doing a craft one day, making jellyfish, she had made one with a happy face and one with a sad face my dad made the mistake of asking why one of the jellyfish were sad to which she replied “because he couldn’t eat the children”

Why does the jelly want to eat the children her answer “they taste good”

*On a car trip one time her brother was complaining a lot about the trip, she got really close to him and in a sing songy, horror movie child kind of voice said “I’ll take care of youuuu”

* Another time not too long ago my niece had asked to talk to her on the phone, when I asked if she wanted to talk she screamed “NO I DON’T like her” ¬†I told her she needed to go sit in her room and think about what she said because it was hurtful to her cousin, when I went in the room 5 minutes later she told me to get out, when I refused she told me she hated me, and I told her I loved her, we went back and forth with this for awhile until she said “Well I am going to get a bomb and blow you up with it, then you can’t love me”

Well isn’t that lovely, she later apologized and told me she would never ever blow me up with a bomb, but she needed me to get her gummy vitamins down for her, so I’ll never know if she meant it or just said it because she knew she couldn’t blow me up just yet, she still needs me

*After watching Charlie and the Chocolate factory she asked if we could get some squirrels when I asked why she said “So I can get a drain and send the naughty people down it”

* I woke up one morning to find a naked baby doll on my table, tape around her wrists, ankles, and over her mouth. ¬†When I inquired why baby lila was like this she said ” Baby Lila had some boo boo’s so I had to fix her up” I said “oh baby Lila hurt her mouth” “No mom I just didn’t want to hear her scream while I was fixing her up”

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*She was once playing with my nieces boyfriend and asked if he could spend the night with her, when he told her he had to go home with my niece she said “No you don’t I will hide you”

* After talking my niece and a friend of her’s into having a tea party with her, she proceeded to give my niece a cup of tea, tell her it was okay to drink and then after she had a sip said “HAHA there was black stuff in it” when asked what the black stuff was she said “poison, it’s poison” Then laughed some evil laughs as my niece pretended to die, when my niece came back to life she was really upset

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* While playing happy jump a couple days ago she bought the ice cream girl with the kitty hat ¬†but not long later switched back to the jello, I asked her what happened to the ice cream and she said “I ate her”

*And ¬†as I was sitting here writing this she came out (she was suppose to be in bed) and told my dad she liked his chain, he told her he would give it to her when she was 18, she smiled a big smile and said “You’ll be dead when I’m 18”

Good lord let’s hope she is not psychic

This is just a sample of what life is like with her, and the weird thing is she has never watched a movie that wasn’t rated for her age, although she does watch Tom and Jerry, maybe it’s time she give that shit up before a 30 lb weight falls on my head huh

Dad vs Mom

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I have to admit, I love all the jokes on the internet about how mom works harder than dad, They almost always make me giggle, that’s probably because they are fairly accurate and if I don’t laugh I may do something harmful to the man who fathered my munchkins. ¬†I really can’t get enough of them. I mean seriously it does seem like Mommies get the raw end of the deal sometimes am I right?
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This post is going to be a little different than the one’s about how being a mom is harder and such, because this one is going to tell you why being a mom is so awesome, just gotta stick with me, I’ll get to it I promise

Lets start with the fact that if you are a stay at home mom, you spend pretty much all day everyday with your children and when Daddy finally does get home from work, you look a lot like this:
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And who needs a break?  By the looks of this it must be Daddy right, so Daddy tends to look like this:
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May you have one of those super awesome husbands who will watch the baby for a little while when he gets home so you can maybe use the bathroom alone or eat something for the first time all day
We are so tired and over-stressed that we appreciate it even if it looks a little like this
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But beware, just because Daddy says he will look after the kids doesn’t mean the kids will actually agree to this!
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And if Daddy needs to get something for one of the kids, like say a cup he will probably have to come get you to find out where you actually store the cups, even though you have lived in the same house for years and the cups have always been in the same cupboard
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Mom’s are usually responsible for getting up with their children in the middle of the night too
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Although I have heard some Daddy’s actually do this too
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You also need to know that mom’s are not allowed to get sick….EVER!
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Daddy’s on the other hand are allowed and when they do, you must make sure to take very good care of them, even if you are also sick at the time, just refer to the last rule okay
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You see while Daddy’s get sick days, a paycheck and paid vacation, Mom’s are not so fortunate
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Lets say that Daddy finally plans a vacation, don’t get your hopes up too much, I know you want to relax and all, You are probably sitting there right now picturing yourself on a beautiful beach, margarita in one hand, book in the other, but it’s not going to happen sister, Daddy’s vacation may work out like that
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But face it, Yours will be much more like this:

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As promised though I am about to reveal why it is so awesome to be the mommy!
You know those times when you are doing something questionable like feeding your kids ice cream for dinner, or speeding, or cussing at the car in front of you at a stop sign or on the highway, and you say to your kids “Don’t tell Dad” and they don’t
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Well Guess what happens when Dad does something like that and tells them not to tell mom
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And that my friend is why being a Mom is so Awesome!
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Once upon a time I heard dead people

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For a large portion of my life I would have these weird moments in the middle of the night where I would wake up from a dream and hear whispering and noises but be completely unable to move or speak, I was half convinced that I got possessed a lot at night, or that maybe I would leave my body and wake up before I was fully back in it, I am still thinking one of those options could be it even if the doctor says it’s not, I was too scared for a long time to say anything to a doctor because I was pretty sure I would be getting a one way trip to a padded room with a little white jacket(in retrospect that sounds like something I may enjoy now) so I just kept it to myself and lived with the horror that is waking up like that, my best guess is it would only last a minute or so, but that minute or so felt like FOREVER, I feel for everyone who is¬†paralyzed¬†because that feeling sucks, and not being able to speak, ups the anti more, but the real kicker is feeling like something is coming to get you and you can’t do shit about it. ¬†I wouldn’t be able to sleep for hours afterwards and I would always end up moving to a different room to feel safe, after I got married my husband started noticing my¬†strange¬†disappearances in the middle of the night, and thought he was doing something wrong, so I finally had to explain to him what was going on and he urged me to ask a doctor about it, well I did and turns out it has a name, Sleep¬†Paralysis also turns out there is absolutely fucking nothing you can do about it, so It still happens every so often and I still really was not ¬†100% sure that I was not hearing dead people and ¬†leaving my body, but hey does it matter, there really wouldn’t be shit I could do about that either…

Last night I slept in the recliner chair because it was the only way I could get my ankle comfortable, and I have no idea why except maybe that I am not used to sleeping in a recliner I was dreaming that¬†Coyotes¬†were after me because I was outside sleeping in one of those long patio chairs, and that’s when it happened I suddenly woke up, but not really because I couldn’t move or speak and in the distance I could hear the faint sounds of coyotes screaming(is it called screaming? If not it should be because that is what it sounds like) anyways that is when I knew It was just sleep¬†paralysis and I gotta tell you I was a little said about this, because I think it would be way more interesting to tell people that I traveled outside my body at night and talked to the dead, than to tell them I have yet another medical condition….maybe I will just tell that story anyways I mean it’s not like they can ask me to prove it or anything right?

A 3 year olds apocalypse prep

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My little girl has been preparing for the apocalypse for quite some time, I swear she always has emergency stashes of pretty much everything, I even once found a stash of toothpicks in her room inside of a little people farm, when I asked what they are for, she said so if they bad guys come I can stab them in the eye…THAT’S ¬†MY GIRL!
except wait…bad guys are coming? I wasn’t sure if I should be concerned about this or not, I have seen a lot of horror movies and so I like to take the crazy shit my kids say pretty seriously because I never want to be one of those moms that lets her kid die, or dies herself because she didn’t believe them when they said the aliens came for a visit and they colored on the couch….so gotta admit for the next couple days I was on edge, just waiting for the bad guys to come, and I let her keep her toothpick stash Another of my favorites was the bottle of water…here you can see for yourself