People tell me all the time that I shouldn’t call my princess evil, but fuck that they do not live with her, so here’s the deal, you live with her for a month and if you still think I am wrong I’ll start calling her something a little better than the evil spawn I can actually bet this and know I would win, because I have on both accounts, My family in New York was always telling me not to call her that, that was until we moved home for my husbands Iraq deployment the evil spawn was 18 months old and only a few months into her rein of terror and I relished in the looks on my families faces when she did something so off the wall that they didn’t even know what to say to her, the biggest joy came when my father finally said to me “You win she is evil” Never had 5 words sounded so sweet. Lets be real just because I love my children doesn’t mean I can’t be honest, me calling her an evil spawn in no way affects the love I have for her, but she has been putting me through absolute hell since conception. Yes conception, because my evil spawn started her journey to this world by repeatedly trying to strangle herself with the umbilical cord, this led to doctors appointments 3-4 days a week for non stress tests and ultrasounds, if you have ever had to endure that especially whilst dragging along your other child, you know it is not fun, sure the first 5 times were all oooh ahhhhh look at her, she’s sucking her thumb, staring into neverland just amazed at the sound of the tiny being living inside of you’s heart beating, but after 20 times it gets old, and you just want to be doing anything but laying on an exam table with wires attached to you listening to your other child’s DS. If only I had known then what was in store I am have actually enjoyed those moments more. As a newborn my little spawn cried, constantly, it wasn’t her fault she was allergic to almost every formula invented, and I felt for her I really did, but I also felt for me, who was not sleeping, not eating, and pretty much pulling my hair out, was it suppose to be this difficult. We had a few good months when we got that sorted out, but then she ended up with RSV, we spent a few days in the hospital and the next 6 months in and out of doctors offices, so regularly that I considered buying a cot and just living there. However it was around 14 months that she really started being a terror. She would go out of her way to drive me bonkers, make a mess or break something, she is extremely smart which made her that much more of a threat, at 15 months old she was stacking bowls to form ladders, and at 18 months old there was not a baby proofing system she couldn’t systematically take apart. There was a time when my 16 year old niece couldn’t get into the bathroom because of the the baby proof door knob, she stood there trying for a few minutes when C walked over and opened the door for her…so the beauty that I figured all these contraptions would be was not. I read hundred of baby/children and parenting books, I tried even more approaches to get her to listen, to calm down, or to stop being so destructive, When I say I have tried everything I have, except for baby bootcamp, which is still an idea we are throwing around. She doesn’t care at all, and nothing much changes her mind, as she grows she gets better in some areas but replaces them in others, She loves her brother more than anything and will wait by the window for him to come home from school, but sometimes I wonder if it is just because she can’t wait to torture him. I guess she has 2 personalities, the other which I call sugarplum love, because when sugarplum love comes out to play the angels sing, I think they fight battles inside of her and I am just waiting for the day that the tables turn and sugarplum love kicks the evil spawns ass for good….I can hope right?
A couple months ago I was getting C ready for bed and she wasn’t happy about it, but then again she never really is, this night was particularly bad and she started throwing a huge fit over eating her gummy vitamins, so I told her we wouldn’t have time to read a book if she kept it up and she shouts at me extremely loud “YOU ARE RUINING MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!”
Wait what? You are 4? I already ruined your life? I thought I had so much more time before I ruined your life, and honestly I thought it would be a lot more fun, and wasn’t I suppose to ruin your brothers life first, I mean he’s older, Oh well guess I got it out of the way earlier, no need to stress about it anymore
While I was processing this information she shrieks “I haaaaaaaaaate you!
and I made the fatal mistake of giggling, that is when I felt a gummy vitamin ping off of my forehead
Gosh I love her and on this particular night I would have loved her ASLEEP like ASAP