Tag Archives: C-section

10 reasons having a dog is not like having a child

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My rant for the day You know what I can’t stand?  When someone compares their dog to my children, ummmm no matter how you cut it, having a dog is not like having  a child.  Here are 10 reasons why….

1.

Dogs require to be fed, in a bowl twice a day, something that you didn’t cook

Children, at least mine think they are starving 20 times  a day and must have something custom prepared that goes along with whatever food phase for the day, You can not feed them the same things daily, because while they may LOVE chicken nuggets today, chances are they will HATEEEEEEEEEEEE! chicken nuggets tomorrow, ya know what else?  They never tell you that they have decided to swear off chicken nuggets until you have them on a plate sitting in front of them and you are just about to take your first bite of food.
2.

When your dog is driving you insane you can put it in a cage, leave it home alone, or tie it up outside

Do you know what they call that if you do it to children? Child Abuse

3.   Can we talk money here?

Yes I realize dogs can get pretty prices for regular vet bills, and if they get sick the price goes up

Seriously though no comparison to the years of diapers, formula, bottles, furniture,  clothes, shoes, toys, games, books, and everything else that little humans require

4.

When’s the last time your dog colored your entire house with permanent marker?

You mean he doesn’t have opposable thumbs?  He can’t color your walls, Oh he chewed your slipper you say, I tell ya what I will buy you a new slipper, you buy me new walls, and a new sofa Deal?

5.

Dog gets sick, you bring them to the vet, if it is serious the vet keeps him overnight, you go home, you worry about your dog, you hope he gets better
Child gets sick, you bring them to the doctor, you sit in a waiting room forever hoping said child doesn’t contract something far worse than what they originally came with, You find out your child has the flu, the doctor won’t keep them, you spend a week not sleeping, cleaning vomit from everything in your house, praying that they get better, and then ya know what happens….You get sick, and you still have to take care of the sick child

6.

When’s the last time your dog told you they hated you, or that you ruined there life, or screamed one of those ear piercing glass shattering screams that makes everyone turn around and cover their ears simultaneously?  That’s what I figured, unless your dog is like Martha Speaks none of that shit happens, You don’t know what Martha speaks is?? That means that you are not subjected to countless hours of horrible cartoons that somehow leave you singing the songs that you hate…but I thought raising a dog was like raising a child

7.

Your dog is sad? You pet him, give him a treat and boom instant tail wagging happiness
Your child is sad?  You spend hours trying to figure out how you can be doing everything that you are doing with them and they are the ones that did something mean to you, yet they are sad, you hold them, cuddle them, rock them, sing to them, pretty much anything to stop them from being sad, 5 minutes later they are sad again, probably because you served them the dreaded chicken nuggets they loved yesterday

8.

Taking a trip, put the dog in the car, probably in a cage, good to go,

I am betting your dog never once says “Are we there yet?” Let alone 50 times an hour for 14 hours, I am also betting you never hear something like this from the back seat “He’s touching me” “I’m not touching you, I’m not touching you” “MOOOOOOOOOOM”

9.

Have to go to work?  Leave the dog home with a bowl of food and water and a couple toys FREE
With a child, find a babysitter, pay 3/4 of what you make to said babysitter, and hope the babysitter you found isn’t planning a kidnapping or  murder

10.

I’ve kind of saved the best for last in my opinion?

Wanna tell me where you got that dog?  Oh you went to a breeder or a pound?  Signed some papers, paid some money and brought your new bundle of joy home?
Let me tell you how I got my children, I got pregnant, vomited for months, grew to be the size of a house, ended up with Cankles, high blood pressure and diabetes, spent countless hours in a doctors office, battled extreme heartburn, and hot flashes then had my stomach cut open and my new bundle of joy pulled out….Seriously read my birth stories

How the Evil Spawn came to be
The Story of My Prince

I think I was fortunate, we all know the other way a baby enters this world…And even if someone adopted their child it is still not the same, they put in a lot more work and money let me tell you, and probably heartache and tears along the way so….here’s the deal if you can manage to push a dog out of your hoohah or have it cut out of your stomach then I will admit that having a dog is like having a child, it still won’t be but I will let you win this one….

How the Evil Spawn came to be

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Let me start off by saying at this point in time I wasn’t sure I wanted another baby, my son was 6, he was starting to be independent, but my husband really wanted one, so I told him I would only have 1 if he could promise it was a girl, after 6 years I was kind of sick of blue, he said okay I promise it will be a girl and as you can clearly see in the pic, it was!  I got pregnant in August and spent most of my pregnancy without my husband who left for BCT in November, I blew up like a whale the first 3 months, or at least it felt like I did, but overall the first 2 trimesters were pretty easy, other than ya know missing her daddy.  In Feb I decided that I was going to move to San Antonio TX to be near my husband while he was in NTC, and so I packed me and the boy up and off we went, I was there a whole week before I had the worst sinus/ear infection ever and was pretty certain I was going to die, that was not pleasant, but good news is I lived as you can see.  It took me awhile to find a doctor that would take me at 6 months pregnant and I wasn’t exactly fond of the doctor I found, he was strictly repeat C-section and I really wanted VBAC, but what could I do I was kind of stuck, so he was the one.  Around 33 weeks along my daughter decided she wanted to commit suicide in my womb, wrapping the cord around her neck a few times a day that was my first clue that she was going to be a monster, I then found out I also had gestational diabetes, except really I didn’t, they sent me to this pregnant diabetes girl specialist and I would fuck around and eat a half cheesecake before I took my blood sugar levels and they were always perfect, the specialist would tell me how great I was doing on the diet and I would laugh and say what diet.  Because of her love of trying to strangle herself I again had to go in every other day for non stress tests and ultrasounds, I thought that was a pain in the ass the first time around, well let me tell you doing that with baby number 1 was cake compared to doing it alone with a 6 year old son….because I am sure as you can guess he loved sitting at the fucking doctors every other day for 3 days, Good news is he was actually a great baby, great toddler and an easy child, until recently(save for later since this about how she came about) I also spent a lot of my 3rd trimester getting yelled at for not gaining weight, but secretly I was smiling inside because who the hell wants to gain weight right?  I complained alot about how my hair stopped being shiny and my skin got all dry and the doctor just kept telling me that it meant she would be pretty (turns out he was right the whole time she was stealing my pretty to use for herself) At 36 weeks I was having mega contractions and was 3cm dilated, every appt they told me I wouldn’t make it until my C-section date, that I may not make it past the day…turns out they were fucking liars, at 38 weeks I tried everything to put myself into labor I figured I could then go to the ER at BAMC and have a doctor there deliver so I could still do VBAC, I mean I ran, I jumped, I had tons of sex(I could see my husband on weekends just to clarify), I even drank castor oil, but she refused to budge…clue 2 at 38 weeks 6 days I went into the hospital for my scheduled C-section, I wasn’t as scared this time around but I certainly didn’t like the idea of the epidural(yes that is what bothered me most, except for staples which my doc had already promised me he would remove in the hospital with drugs) At 7 am they wheeled me into the OR and 21 minutes later my princess graced us with her presence, again I knew instantly that I would die for her, any day any time, She was the most beautiful baby girl I had ever laid eyes on.  although I do gotta tell you since she is half puerto rican and I have dark hair I was expecting a carmelly colored baby with dark hair, I got a paler than me baby with very light hair….but she was beautiful all the same

Day 3 of my hospital stay my doc decided he was going to release me, the nurse came and said I had to make an appt to get my staples out…OH FUCK NO…with my son they had literally adhered to my skin and I was not going through that shit again, so I did what any self respecting woman would do…I cried A LOT, turns out this worked like a charm, nurse told the doc I wasn’t ready to be released waited for him to get off shift and had another doctor sign off on my staple removals, God I love that woman!

The Story of my Prince

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I got pregnant with A when I was 18, and he was planned, which is odd when you are 18, but I wanted a baby, and what’s even more odd, is I am totally happy I made that choice, and not happy in the way that I am happy I had him because I wouldn’t take it back because I love him(which is also true), but happy in the way that parenting at 19 was so much easier than parenting at 26…yup get your young daughter out of the room before she sees this and your a grandma! Anyways I found out I was pregnant for my son in November of 2000 I was currently living in Columbus OH with his biological father, and I was bouncing off the walls happy, but I was also scared shitless, this wasn’t my first pregnancy and the first one ended horribly(another time I will explain) but I was completely convinced that something would happen to my baby, and couple that with the hormones I was a basket case, We ended up moving back home to be near my parents in Maryland because I was so damn emotional, I once cried because I spilled a plant, I seriously sat there in hysterics completely devastated looking at the dirt that had spilled out, and while I was sitting there all I could think is what the fuck is wrong with you, you are going crazy, who the fuck cries over a knocked over plant, the answer was a pregnant woman, having a little spawn growing in you does all types of shit to your emotions, it was almost like being bi-polar, at least I imagine it was almost like that, since that is one of the few issues I do not have, well except for during my pregnancy, I could no longer watch sad movies, or even fucking animal planet, but I would torture myself with a baby story…yea wanna completely mind fuck yourself while you are pregnant, just watch a baby story, Oh My, I not only cried continuously but I also became a paranoid psycho, I was convinced I was going to have to have a C-section and I was petrified of an episiotimy
(yes google it is a fucking word).  As I got further along, I stopped being quite as emotional, all of the tests had came back normal and I began believing that this time it might actually work out, I was still all worked up about the birth but not so much everything else, sad movies and knocked over plants again became just sad movies and knocked over plants, and I was one of the lucky pregnant women I suppose because while I gained a whopping 62lbs I didn’t have any of the other usual complaints, no morning sickness, no acne, no weird blemishes, 3rd nipples or any of that other stuff, and I actually felt pretty good, I was rocking this pregnancy thing, and to top it off I found out I was having a boy which is exactly what I wanted! At 32 weeks I went to the doctor and got diagnosed with preeclampsia I was ordered on bed rest but that wasn’t happening, ya see said biological father still didn’t have a job and I was working 2, so now between working 2 jobs and being pregnant I now had to go to the doctors for non stress tests and ultrasounds, and for any of you that haven’t been through that, well it was probably my payback for not having any of the other problems, 3 hours appointments every other day really puts a kink in your life…at 38 weeks 5 days I went in for my standard non stress test and the doc asked me if I was ready to have this baby HELL YEA I have been ready to have this baby for 9 fucking months, let’s do it….and so it was scheduled for the next day, I went home feeling on top of the world, I was finally going to get this rib crushing, blood pressure raising thing out of me! That feeling lasted until about 4am when I abruptly decided he could just stay in there forever because I was not going through child birth, maybe it had been one baby story too many, I informed my mom at 5am when we were suppose to be getting ready to leave, that I changed my mind and I wasn’t having a baby afterall HA like that’s a possibility 3 hours later I was laying in a hospital bed watching the fuckwad that was his B.Father eat Mcdonalds pancakes, having the nerve to tell me that the water breaking smelled bad, and screaming for a fucking epidural NOW! Doctors were checking and rechecking, upping and lowering my potocin which was making me pretty nervous, but I got my epidural and went back to being my calm self(which isn’t all that calm) and to all you mommies who did it without any pain meds….you are fucking stupid…ok seriously maybe not, maybe you are just more woman than me, but WHY would anyone want to actually feel that?   30 minutes later my doctor came in and whispered something to my mother and the other mother, and in a tiny whisper the other mother said to my mother that I knew that all along….and of course with my super sonic, paranoid hearing, I heard every word at which point I blurted out “I AM NOT HAVING A C-SECTION” that’s when the good ole doc walked over and informed me that yes I was, my sons heart rate was dropping and they needed to get him out, Well fuck…isn’t this spectacular, and so then I went into plan B…begging to be put to sleep before the C-section, which was a no go, so within a few minutes I was wheeled into the OR and my son joined this world, He was the most perfect goo covered baby I had ever seen. and I already knew I would die for that kid.

Funny story is my son is half black and when he came out he was pretty white, my mom was crying and I figured it was because he had been born but later found out she thought I had cheated and he wasn’t his B. fathers kid…well thanks mom now I know what you really think of me, and for the record he is definitely his even though I wish he wasn’t