Tag Archives: humor

She drew WHAT??? Am I…oh my..yes I think I am

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So last night I was tucking Miss C into bed when I noticed a paper on the floor.  I picked it up and it was a picture she drew, so I asked her what it was and she said she drew it at school. I must admit the picture had me a little confused:
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As soon as I looked at it funny she started to clear up the confusion:
C: Don’t worry Mommy I will put pants on you, Don’t look at that
Me: THAT’S ME?
C: Uhhh I told you not to look at it
Me: Wait what is that?
C: gets close to my ear and whispers “that’s your pee pee”
Now I have to confess my tired butt didn’t even see the lovely yellow part until:
C: don’t worry I will change that to water
Me: Wait What? AM I PEEING?
C: Uhh it’s okay mommy I will make a bowl and it will just look like you are pouring water

I wonder what her teacher thought of this lovely drawing of her mommy, or how many friends snickered when she said Mommy is peeing….and just look at that hoohaa I have…that doesn’t look right…I swear it’s a hoohaa…stop laughing people!
I also have to wonder who all the little girls in the picture are….and is that a radio with music notes? So if I have it right I was having a dance party, rocking out to the music and peed all over…

And this is how my daughter sees me? A party girl who can’t control her bladder….Thanks C Thanks…but that was many years ago 😉

Pulled ear muscles and a flirty husband

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Today I braved the Commissary on payday, which is a feat in itself, but what is the zoo of the commissary on pay day was nothing compared to the things that came out of my child’s mouth while we were there.

Besides the normal “I’m going to fart out my taco” (yes that’s normal) talk we had quite the evening of our son leaving us either laughing hysterically or completely speechless.

On the way there we were talking in the car, and out of the blue after I said something nice A goes “Holla”

I was like Oh shit, did they bring that whole Holla thing back? Apparently the answer is YES because all his friends say holla.

At the store A was acting like his crazy high strung self, running around and being loud, while I thought about hiding behind a wall of soda to escape the looks of strangers, when my husband tugged A’s ear…

A: “Oww that hurt”
The husband: “Seriously”
A: “Yes you tugged on my muscle, I think I got a pulled muscle now”
Me: “A pulled muscle in your ear?”
A: “Exactly”
Me: “Your ear doesn’t have any muscle”
A: (Very Loudly) “So what your butt has a muscle but your ear doesn’t?”
The husband: “Your butt is a muscle”
A: “I know, so your ear doesn’t have 1 single muscle?”
At this point the people around us are giggling to themselves
Me: “Oh for goodness sake your ear is cartilage not muscle”

Now for the next thing I have to give you a little back story: My husband happens to be one of those guys that totally flirts with girls, and he does it naturally, I have been telling him for years and he looks at me like I’m crazy.

We are walking out to our car and for those of you who don’t know at the Commissary someone brings your groceries to the car, it just happens that the person bringing our groceries out is a girl, and of course my husband turns into what appears to be a 14 year old boy trying to act cool to get a girl to notice him.  A, C and I are walking ahead of them…

A: “Mom he’s flirting with that girl”
Me: shhh
A: “seriously do you hear him?”
Me: shhhh
A: “you better watch out mom she’s gonna steal yo man”
Me: (trying not to fall over laughing) “I;m not worried now shhh”
A turns around looks at his dad and says “You better knock that off”
No reply NO nothing
A: “He’s still flirting”

At this point I can’t completely stifle my laughter and small giggles are escaping,

We get to the car load it up and I am standing outside smoking, I ask the husband if he heard any of what A was saying. He says no, so I fill him in, no wonder no reply he didn’t even hear him, now my husband is laughing and all like “Really?1?”

We get in the car and I tell A to tell him what he thought he was doing on the walk to the car, so A rehashes everything he says to me

The husband: “Is that so?”
A: “yea”
The husband laughs
A: “You do that almost every time there’s a girl”
The husband: “I do what”
A: “You act different when there is a girl around”
The husband: “I do that all the time?”
A: “Pretty much, especially when we go on post, that’s where you see the most girls that you talk to”

At this point I am dying laughing, while attempting to give him the I told you so look, The husband says he’ll work on that, all I’m saying is good job A, now he knows I am not crazy!

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Those are not the man and woman I grew up with

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Do you ever find yourself staring at your parents as they interact with your children wondering just where in the hell those people came from? They certainly are not the same people who raised you.  Those people meant business, they didn’t mess around, you messed up you got your ass beat, and speaking of, they considered it messing up if you flew down the stairs in one of their laundry baskets, or colored on their walls.  Yet you just watched your child throw a ball and knock down their favorite lamp sending it crashing into the wall, causing a small hole to appear, and thought to yourself, UHOH you are gonna get it small child, and then the next minute you are standing there with your mouth on the ground trying to figure out if your parents have started taking high doses of happy pills since you’ve grown up,  watching them with unbelieving eyes as they clean up broken glass and assure their precious grandchild that accidents happen.
How are you suppose to have any credibility when your child back talks you, or dumps 4 bottles of brand new expensive shampoo and body wash all over the bathroom floor and you tell them “You’re lucky you aren’t me, my mom would have whooped my ass for that and my dad would have had me mowing the lawn for 2 weeks to pay for the soap I ruined?”

Then I seen this and It made perfect sense:
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So this is what I sound like

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When my daughter plays with her dolls, I get a chance to see what I sound like every day

From the other room I hear:

We do not hit our brother

I know he hurt your feelings when he said that but you need to use your words, we don’t be viowent

Well you need to say sorry if you do it again you go in time out

Humming and general chit chat

HEY! I said we do not hit our brother, were you listening?

Ok time out

You have to stay or it doesn’t count

Okay you can get up now, go say 3 nice things to your brother

talking to another which I assume is brother baby:
Now say 3 nice things to your sister for hurting her feelings

That doesn’t count, that’s not nice

Okay

Quiet for a couple minutes

THAT’S IT HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY WE DO NOT BE VIOWENT, YOU GET IN TIME OUT AND DON’T YOU DARE HIT YOUR BROTHER AGAIN

YOU HEAR ME!!!

GEESH STOP ANTAGING HER, NO BE QUIET!!!

UHHHHHH BOTH OF YOU KNOCK IT OFF RIGHT NOW!!

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