Tag Archives: love

He’s home!! We are apart again and I am not liking the unknown


On a very good note: He’s home!!!!
hes home

Seeing him for the first time in 9 months was absolutely wonderful, it is that feeling that always keeps me going. The first kiss, the first time I get to hold his hand, his arms around me for the first time at night again.  It’s almost surreal when it is happening.

I enjoyed every second of my time with my husband in El paso, among other things we cuddled, and watched movies, went out to dinner and talked, and it was almost like dating having no kids staying in a hotel.

“So dawn goes down to day, Nothing gold can stay”  ~Robert Frost

Saying goodbye AGAIN was hard, I didn’t want to leave him there, and my heart hurt, not that I couldn’t handle it but more of I am sick of handling it, I am sick of saying goodbye and I am sick of having little control over our lives together.
I am currently in freak out mode, this is mostly because I am an intense planner and a self admitted control freak, I want need to be in control, and when I am not in control I stress, that is why being an Army wife is so difficult for me.  I do not handle sitting back and waiting well and if you have any experience with the Army you know that is exactly what it is, hurry up and wait and write everything in pencil.  At the moment I have no idea when or where I am moving to, or when I will get to be with my husband again.  There are 3 factors and each one has different results:

1. He is putting in a request to be released which means hopefully we would be able to leave really soon, this is the option that we are praying for, the one that would make me a very happy girl

2. If they declined his paperwork to leave early he will put in for 60 days leave, basically making him able to leave in early December, not the best because I would still stay here and we would be apart for 4 more months, I know it is crazy to opt to stay separate, but we have reasons, such as the schooling there being a year behind schooling in the north, we do not want our children to be set back again, as A had a very hard time catching up this year, medically my daughter and I do not do well with the air in El paso, and financially it is the smarter option.  If this is the case we will probably fly him here a couple times to visit

3.  The worst case…they deny both and he can’t move to Washington until February, if this happens then we will move back to El paso because I refuse to give up that much time with my husband, which you can probably guess is just going to be a mess

The thing is I just want to know one way or the other.

I am curious to know if any of you have ever opted to stay in separate states before?  I know some do  because as I kissed my husband goodbye before boarding the plane in El paso, I watched another girl do the exact same thing and get on the plane with me.

I must admit though I am feeling a little alone on this and a little like I have no idea what the best decision is and if we are making it, or not.

We are together and together we are perfect!


It just occurred to me that the last time I seen my husband I was not a blogger. I was 15lbs heavier.  I had lighter hair. I had not  been to college, let alone succeeded and finished college. I had no idea what it felt like to see one of my babies wheeled away into the operating room, or to break my ankle.   I had 3 less tattoos and 2 less piercings, and I was still able to have a baby.

So much has happened in 8 1/2 months, it is almost surreal.

I have to wonder how much I have changed in that amount of time, I mean I obviously have, all of those things can’t happen and leave you exactly as you were, and if I changed how much has he changed? What is different about him?

I guess it really doesn’t matter, because while I have changed I am still me, and while he may have changed he is still him, and for the moment no matter how brief we are together, and we are perfect!


Book Review “Hidden Under Her Heart”


I was given a e-copy of the book Hidden Under her Heart byRachelle Ayala, to read and review. I love reading and I particularly love to read anything that makes me think a little more or can bring me to another place, this book did both.  The story was compelling and got you attached to the characters easily.  You couldn’t help but to feel for both Maryanne and Lucas. Once I started reading the book, I couldn’t put it down until I finished, that is always a great sign.  The book takes you on a journey through a new romance plagued with unfortunate circumstances,   It tears at your heart, and manages to also lift you up. Rachelle did a great job at tackling controversial and difficult subjects, rape, abortion, and race and I commend her for being able to do so.  One of my favorite parts of the book comes closer to the end, with a glimpse into the healing process, and a wonderful way for anyone to put their problems into perspective.  The book does contain a mild sex scene, and some adult issues, but if you don’t mind that I recommend reading it, you will not be disappointed.

Book Description from Amazon.com

” Maryanne Torres is a compassionate nurse who fails at relationships. After a string of losers, she swears off premarital sex, hoping to land a marrying type of man.

Lucas Knight, a law-school dropout, moves to California to train for the Ironman Triathlon. He’s smart, sweet, and everything Maryanne wants in a man, but their relationship suffers from his dedication to the sport. Seeking consolation in the arms of a handsome preacher’s son, Maryanne attends a church party where she is raped.

Maryanne is pregnant from the rape and plans to abort. But the identity of her rapist is hidden in her baby’s DNA. Lucas asks Maryanne to seek alternatives and pledges to support her through the pregnancy. When Lucas becomes the prime suspect, Maryanne must clear his name and make a life changing decision.

The rapist has other ideas. In order to destroy the evidence, he offers Maryanne an illegal offshore abortion. With Maryanne’s life in danger, Lucas races to save her and her baby. However, Maryanne hides a secret that threatens to tear them apart forever.”

You can find the book on Amazon,and Barnes & Noble

I received one or more of the products mentioned above for free using Tomoson.com. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will be good for my readers.

Making up for the Evil


Sure my kids can be monsters, but then they do something so wonderfully sweet that you forget that for a little while:

C was using bath crayons, which is one of her favorite things to do, and she called me in the room to see her artwork.  When I came in she said she wanted to show me what she wrote for me, I asked her what it was since it really looked like some form of Alien code.

C: It says I love you with all of my heart, all the way to the moon,  then Afghanistan(military brat much?), then back to the moon, and back to Earth and I will never ever hate you no matter what

About 30 minutes later I was standing int he kitchen complaining about my ankle hurting, not sure if I mentioned it but I broke my ankle not too long ago and I am wearing a big old boot on it, anyway A gets down on the ground and wraps his arms around my ankle when I had a confused look, he said “Mommy I am giving your ankle a hug so it will feel better”

And those are the moments that make all the evil, crazy ones worth it

A Birthday letter to my daughter


Hi Sugarplum, today you are turning 5, I still can’t believe that! It will probably be awhile before you ever read this letter, That’s okay you don’t need to know everything now 🙂  Hopefully I am showing you each and every day just how much you mean to me, even though you probably won’t understand until you have munchkins of your own, if you have munchkins of your own.  You light up my world babygirl, and I am so proud to be your mommy.  You are so smart, you can retain information so quickly, that is really going to help you in life and you love to learn, I hope that sticks.  You also love reading, One of your favorite books to read right now is You can’t eat a princess! Even though we have read it at least 25 times in the last week you giggle every time, and speaking of giggling, your laugh is contagious, I almost always end up laughing along even if I have no idea what we are laughing at.  I am so proud of the young lady you are becoming, you are caring, and you are great at sharing, you would give up the last bite of food on your plate if someone asked. You love arts and crafts and sensory play, especially if it is messy, you would probably spend all day every day jumping in muddy puddles if I let you!  You have some qualities that right now are a pain in the ass but if you keep them they will make you amazing in the future, You are stubborn, you stand up for what you believe in and you are certainly not afraid to express your feelings.  However I wanted to spend some time in this letter speaking to the future you:

I want you to know that I will always be there for you, and just like most mommies I want the very best for you. Depending on when you are reading this that information alone might come as a shock, It’s quite possible that if you are in your teen years you currently hate me, and if what I was like when I was a teenager is any indication this probably wouldn’t be the first time or the last.  Here’s the good news, I forgive you, for every time you hate me, and I understand!  I was there once too, I get it.  Ya see right now I am your best friend, and I truly hope to be your best friend again one day, but in the middle I am probably going to piss you off, and make you want to scream. That’s because I want you to grow up to be a responsible, well rounded, empathetic individual.  I would love nothing more than to give you everything you want and make you smile all the time, but if I did that you would probably end up being a douchebag so you’ll have to settle for getting a lot that you want, and smiling as often as possible.  You probably aren’t the age you want to be right now, I know this because there is only 1 time in life you will be the exact age you want to be and that is 21, Sure you will think you want to be 16 then 18 but really as soon as you reach those ages you will be looking ahead to the next, Do me a favor and try to enjoy and have fun in all of your years, you will miss it, not necessarily things like school like everyone says, but you will miss having no responsibility and being able to spend your days off hanging out and being lazy, Trust me!  Speaking of 21, I want you to go out and get totally shit faced hammered sometime, Some of the best friendships are made while someone is holding your hair over a toilet bowl, I want that for you.  I want you to have crazy memories of peeing in Alley’s or what not to look back on.  What I do not want you to do is get in a car and drive drunk or with someone who is.  I want you to know you can always call me rather it is 3am and 10 shots in or not, I will always be there, and you will not be in trouble if you take this option, My mother gave me the same option, and I did some pretty crazy shit in my day, she was always there for me, and I never had to do something I didn’t want to because I was afraid to call…I want you to have that too.  The worst way to kill a memory is to kill someone else or yourself.  I also want you to fall in love before you actually fall in love, I want you to meet the wrong guys(or girls if that’s how things turn out) so that you will know when the right one is with you, The only way to know what you do not want is to experience it.  I pray that you have both joy and sorrow, Without sadness you can not fully appreciate joy.  I want you to always stand up for yourself, and what you believe in and never let people keep you down. If you never have haters it probably means you haven’t stood up for anything, Stand up and be proud!  Most of all just know that no matter how old you get, or what crazy things you do, I will always love you, I will always be there for you, and you will always be my BABY!

How the Evil Spawn came to be



Let me start off by saying at this point in time I wasn’t sure I wanted another baby, my son was 6, he was starting to be independent, but my husband really wanted one, so I told him I would only have 1 if he could promise it was a girl, after 6 years I was kind of sick of blue, he said okay I promise it will be a girl and as you can clearly see in the pic, it was!  I got pregnant in August and spent most of my pregnancy without my husband who left for BCT in November, I blew up like a whale the first 3 months, or at least it felt like I did, but overall the first 2 trimesters were pretty easy, other than ya know missing her daddy.  In Feb I decided that I was going to move to San Antonio TX to be near my husband while he was in NTC, and so I packed me and the boy up and off we went, I was there a whole week before I had the worst sinus/ear infection ever and was pretty certain I was going to die, that was not pleasant, but good news is I lived as you can see.  It took me awhile to find a doctor that would take me at 6 months pregnant and I wasn’t exactly fond of the doctor I found, he was strictly repeat C-section and I really wanted VBAC, but what could I do I was kind of stuck, so he was the one.  Around 33 weeks along my daughter decided she wanted to commit suicide in my womb, wrapping the cord around her neck a few times a day that was my first clue that she was going to be a monster, I then found out I also had gestational diabetes, except really I didn’t, they sent me to this pregnant diabetes girl specialist and I would fuck around and eat a half cheesecake before I took my blood sugar levels and they were always perfect, the specialist would tell me how great I was doing on the diet and I would laugh and say what diet.  Because of her love of trying to strangle herself I again had to go in every other day for non stress tests and ultrasounds, I thought that was a pain in the ass the first time around, well let me tell you doing that with baby number 1 was cake compared to doing it alone with a 6 year old son….because I am sure as you can guess he loved sitting at the fucking doctors every other day for 3 days, Good news is he was actually a great baby, great toddler and an easy child, until recently(save for later since this about how she came about) I also spent a lot of my 3rd trimester getting yelled at for not gaining weight, but secretly I was smiling inside because who the hell wants to gain weight right?  I complained alot about how my hair stopped being shiny and my skin got all dry and the doctor just kept telling me that it meant she would be pretty (turns out he was right the whole time she was stealing my pretty to use for herself) At 36 weeks I was having mega contractions and was 3cm dilated, every appt they told me I wouldn’t make it until my C-section date, that I may not make it past the day…turns out they were fucking liars, at 38 weeks I tried everything to put myself into labor I figured I could then go to the ER at BAMC and have a doctor there deliver so I could still do VBAC, I mean I ran, I jumped, I had tons of sex(I could see my husband on weekends just to clarify), I even drank castor oil, but she refused to budge…clue 2 at 38 weeks 6 days I went into the hospital for my scheduled C-section, I wasn’t as scared this time around but I certainly didn’t like the idea of the epidural(yes that is what bothered me most, except for staples which my doc had already promised me he would remove in the hospital with drugs) At 7 am they wheeled me into the OR and 21 minutes later my princess graced us with her presence, again I knew instantly that I would die for her, any day any time, She was the most beautiful baby girl I had ever laid eyes on.  although I do gotta tell you since she is half puerto rican and I have dark hair I was expecting a carmelly colored baby with dark hair, I got a paler than me baby with very light hair….but she was beautiful all the same

Day 3 of my hospital stay my doc decided he was going to release me, the nurse came and said I had to make an appt to get my staples out…OH FUCK NO…with my son they had literally adhered to my skin and I was not going through that shit again, so I did what any self respecting woman would do…I cried A LOT, turns out this worked like a charm, nurse told the doc I wasn’t ready to be released waited for him to get off shift and had another doctor sign off on my staple removals, God I love that woman!

The Story of my Prince


I got pregnant with A when I was 18, and he was planned, which is odd when you are 18, but I wanted a baby, and what’s even more odd, is I am totally happy I made that choice, and not happy in the way that I am happy I had him because I wouldn’t take it back because I love him(which is also true), but happy in the way that parenting at 19 was so much easier than parenting at 26…yup get your young daughter out of the room before she sees this and your a grandma! Anyways I found out I was pregnant for my son in November of 2000 I was currently living in Columbus OH with his biological father, and I was bouncing off the walls happy, but I was also scared shitless, this wasn’t my first pregnancy and the first one ended horribly(another time I will explain) but I was completely convinced that something would happen to my baby, and couple that with the hormones I was a basket case, We ended up moving back home to be near my parents in Maryland because I was so damn emotional, I once cried because I spilled a plant, I seriously sat there in hysterics completely devastated looking at the dirt that had spilled out, and while I was sitting there all I could think is what the fuck is wrong with you, you are going crazy, who the fuck cries over a knocked over plant, the answer was a pregnant woman, having a little spawn growing in you does all types of shit to your emotions, it was almost like being bi-polar, at least I imagine it was almost like that, since that is one of the few issues I do not have, well except for during my pregnancy, I could no longer watch sad movies, or even fucking animal planet, but I would torture myself with a baby story…yea wanna completely mind fuck yourself while you are pregnant, just watch a baby story, Oh My, I not only cried continuously but I also became a paranoid psycho, I was convinced I was going to have to have a C-section and I was petrified of an episiotimy
(yes google it is a fucking word).  As I got further along, I stopped being quite as emotional, all of the tests had came back normal and I began believing that this time it might actually work out, I was still all worked up about the birth but not so much everything else, sad movies and knocked over plants again became just sad movies and knocked over plants, and I was one of the lucky pregnant women I suppose because while I gained a whopping 62lbs I didn’t have any of the other usual complaints, no morning sickness, no acne, no weird blemishes, 3rd nipples or any of that other stuff, and I actually felt pretty good, I was rocking this pregnancy thing, and to top it off I found out I was having a boy which is exactly what I wanted! At 32 weeks I went to the doctor and got diagnosed with preeclampsia I was ordered on bed rest but that wasn’t happening, ya see said biological father still didn’t have a job and I was working 2, so now between working 2 jobs and being pregnant I now had to go to the doctors for non stress tests and ultrasounds, and for any of you that haven’t been through that, well it was probably my payback for not having any of the other problems, 3 hours appointments every other day really puts a kink in your life…at 38 weeks 5 days I went in for my standard non stress test and the doc asked me if I was ready to have this baby HELL YEA I have been ready to have this baby for 9 fucking months, let’s do it….and so it was scheduled for the next day, I went home feeling on top of the world, I was finally going to get this rib crushing, blood pressure raising thing out of me! That feeling lasted until about 4am when I abruptly decided he could just stay in there forever because I was not going through child birth, maybe it had been one baby story too many, I informed my mom at 5am when we were suppose to be getting ready to leave, that I changed my mind and I wasn’t having a baby afterall HA like that’s a possibility 3 hours later I was laying in a hospital bed watching the fuckwad that was his B.Father eat Mcdonalds pancakes, having the nerve to tell me that the water breaking smelled bad, and screaming for a fucking epidural NOW! Doctors were checking and rechecking, upping and lowering my potocin which was making me pretty nervous, but I got my epidural and went back to being my calm self(which isn’t all that calm) and to all you mommies who did it without any pain meds….you are fucking stupid…ok seriously maybe not, maybe you are just more woman than me, but WHY would anyone want to actually feel that?   30 minutes later my doctor came in and whispered something to my mother and the other mother, and in a tiny whisper the other mother said to my mother that I knew that all along….and of course with my super sonic, paranoid hearing, I heard every word at which point I blurted out “I AM NOT HAVING A C-SECTION” that’s when the good ole doc walked over and informed me that yes I was, my sons heart rate was dropping and they needed to get him out, Well fuck…isn’t this spectacular, and so then I went into plan B…begging to be put to sleep before the C-section, which was a no go, so within a few minutes I was wheeled into the OR and my son joined this world, He was the most perfect goo covered baby I had ever seen. and I already knew I would die for that kid.

Funny story is my son is half black and when he came out he was pretty white, my mom was crying and I figured it was because he had been born but later found out she thought I had cheated and he wasn’t his B. fathers kid…well thanks mom now I know what you really think of me, and for the record he is definitely his even though I wish he wasn’t

Meet the man beside the girl



Let me start by saying my husband has no tattoos and no piercings and I go back and forth on rather I would like it if he got some or not(he is always talking about doing it), so anyway if he was going to get tattoos yea my name across his fingers would be fabulous, and I am well aware that every Queen needs her King as well…okay maybe not, look at Queen Elizabeth she seems to be doing just fine without a King..well lets just say I want a King….but I digress, this post is suppose to be about him:

I met my husband shortly after getting out of a 7 year relationship that was pretty toxic, ok not pretty toxic, REALLY toxic, and technically I met him while I was in said toxic relationship, but I didn’t meet him in person until 5 months after the downfall of my first major relationship.  It would suffice to say I was jaded…I certainly didn’t want another relationship, I was pretty happy being single for the first time since I was 17 and he really just seemed like a fun way to kill time…He was suppose to be my rebound relationship, and it was suppose to end. We first started talking on Xbox live after he sent me a friend request because I sticky bombed his friends face…ya see I was playing with my boys and he was playing with his, and somehow I got thrown on a team with 3 of them and one of theirs got thrown on a team with my boys, anyways that isn’t really all that important but it is the reason we started talking so thought I would throw it in.  I met him in January 2007. He was from NYC and I was from the sticks in NY, so we met in the middle, even though I was well into my adult years I told my mom I went to high school with him and he had been to our house, I know for a fact she would have tried to talk me out of going and meeting a guy from xboxlive, the funny thing is she completely believed me and the funnier thing is he is Puerto Rican,  and I had never had a PR friend over in high school…Sorry Mom! I had talked to pretty much his entire family on the phone, seen pictures and so on so I figured I was pretty safe, but just in case I left the address and phone number of where I would be on my dresser in my room, with his name, his parents name, and his address, you can never be too careful right, I mean the crazy thing is I had been considering a date with this guy from myspace 3 months earlier, ok more than considering, we had a date planned, he was from the town right next to mine, and the races seemed like a good idea, but 3 days before our date I read a news article that made my skin crawl, he had actually killed his pregnant girlfriend(no I didn’t know he had a girlfriend, or that she was pregnant) and himself….well I guess you could say I dodged a bullet there, and yet here I was 2 months later still stupid enough to meet a guy I didn’t know, but I had it figured like this, if i met a guy in a bar, a bookstore, a library or at church(if I went to church) he could be a psycho serial killer too, so lets be honest the dating world can almost always be deadly…again I digress (bare with me like I said Oh Squirrel) I could say that he swept me off my feet that first day, and that it was love at first sight, but I would be lying, what I can say without telling lies is he was AMAZING in bed…I know I know TMI, but seriously it’s a valid point, because that was pretty much what made me decide to see him again, and don’t get me wrong sure he was sweet, pretty much would do anything for me, but that’s not what got me, well not that first day anyways.  We spent the weekend together, and it was by all standards a great weekend, afterwards we talked all the time, and would meet up here and there, he would tell me that i was going to marry him one day and I kept saying it wasn’t going to happen, one day came sooner than I thought…but we’ll get to that in a minute.  So when did I actually know he was right?  I called him one day and I had a cold I told him I was sick and to come take care of me, I was joking, I never really actually thought he would come take care of me over a friggin cold, but about 4 1/2 hours later I was doing something in the kitchen when my dad said that D was at the door….I was totally all yea fuckin right dad, and he was all I’m serious, and sure enough he was, he had actually taken a bus and a cab to come take care of me….at that very moment I knew I would marry him. My son and him hit it off from the beginning, he was great with him and they both loved video games so it was nice.  In June some crazy stuff happened between his family and him, and me and him that I am just not getting into in this post but to take a long story right to the point, I picked him and his stuff up and boom we were living together, we got our own apartment, he got a job, and he held up to a promise he made and had me quit mine, finally giving me the opportunity to be a stay at home mom, something I had never been.  Life was good, he wasn’t like the last relationship(and still isn’t, although the honeymoon phase has definitely passed), In July he started talking about joining the army, he had a goal, become PA and get out, so I figured if it was what he really wanted to do I could deal with it for a little while, and he went through the beginning process of joining, in August I got pregnant with our daughter, he was ecstatic, I was nervous(but again another story for a later time), He proposed to me on the beach at Coney Island, and on November 17 2007 we got married, in a small ceremony at my parents house, no we didn’t rush because I we were having a baby, we rushed because his paperwork had went through and he was officially going to be a soldier in the US Army, 3 days after we got married the recruiter came and took him away for BCT, that is how I became a military wife, and where I believe made the worst mistake of my life, I should have begged him not to do it, we are almost 6 years in now and it has became a career choice instead of an in and out, had I known then, we wouldn’t be here now, but like I said before it is what it is, He loves the Army and I love my soldier!