Tag Archives: marriage

Coping with redeployment adjustments

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Ok so a lot of people told me on my last post about Honesty and Blogging that I should just throw caution to the wind and write my feelings, so here is the start of that.

Lately I have been feeling a little overwhelmed, and life has been pretty hectic, I have started some new ventures, the munchkins are back in school, and we are all trying to adjust to life with Daddy back.

A lot of people look forward to the return of their loved one from deployment and I am not unlike those people, I counted hours until the day I would see him again, I even decided to move back because I was sick of being away from him,  A lot of people will also talk about how great it is to have them home, and how much better life is with them home and in some ways they are right, of course life is “better” I mean you no longer have to sleep alone, you no longer have to worry about their safety, you no longer are a single parent, things of that nature, and of course it is nice to have them home, after all you love them, but what people don’t talk about a lot is the adjustment.  You see it’s not so simple when they come home because they are used to being without their family, they are used to being in a war zone, they are used to only having to think about themselves.  You are used to not having them there, you are used to your routine, you are used to doing things your way and by yourself. So when you come back together it is a little like first moving in with someone, you have to learn to live with each other again, and it is not always easy.  While they are away you forget about the things that drove you completely up the wall, and while they are gone they have usually missed you so much that they are convinced they won’t do those things anymore.  As an example my husband happens to be an xbox, tablet, computer addict, It seems like no matter what when he is not at work he has a controller or electronic in his hand, before he left for deployment I told him he would miss us and not his xbox, because he much of the time spent very little time with us.  and while he was deployed he told me how right I was and how much he had been thinking about it, and how he was going to change when he got home, and he did for about a week, then things went right back to the way they were before. He would come home from work and go straight to the game, and usually will stay on it for most of the night,  if we were having a conversation he would have his tablet in his hand doing something else. and I was frustrated, I am frustrated, For one I used to be a gamer too, I loved to play, but once we had children and responsibilities I stopped playing and I feel like I am the only one who had to sacrifice, and it frustrates me, besides that I get upset that I left my family in New York, made a 5 day drive home, and put a lot of work into being able to be here only to watch him play his electronics, I feel like I could have been lonely(maybe even less lonely) had I stayed in New York.  Needless to say this has been causing some tension and he keeps trying to work on it, but I have lost faith in that because he has been saying that for years.  I want to feel like I come before the electronics and I don’t.  With that said I do not think that he should never play, I just wish he could control the amount of time he does.  Another adjustment takes place with the munchkins, they are used to only listening to me, they are used to always coming to me, and he is used to not having to deal with children.  This can be tricky because it’s almost as if he doesn’t always know how to handle them, and he gets upset too easily, It’s also as if they don’t always know how to handle him, mainly because they do not really know what his expectations are because him and I have different parenting techniques( It may be a lot easier if we could get on the same page, but that has always been a hard part) this gets easier as the days go by, and eventually they will all be used to each other again, but for awhile it causes some frustration.  You also have to deal with the fact that your loved one probably seen some messed up stuff during deployment and it changes them a little, you never know how it will change them and you usually learn it a little at a time.  Not all of the changes are negative, but they are changes and some of them can be negative.  My husband tends to get upset and agitated so much quicker these days, and I usually have to find ways to adjust so that I do not end up aggravated and upset as well.  He also views things a little differently, some of them in a better way and some in a negative way, but rather the change is good, bad, or indifferent it is still change and you still have to learn, just like in the beginning of a relationship at about the time it has reached the comfortable time period and the very real part of your partner starts to come out and you learn new things about them a little at a time. Another adjustment is you yourself, because let’s face it chances are you have changed too, and just like you are learning about them again, they are learning the new things about you.

Yes I am thrilled he is home, Yes it is also difficult, there I said it!

I don’t usually write blogs like this, mostly because I do not want my husband to be upset about it, and I also don’t want people to view my husband as a bad person, because over all he is not, but I would like to be able to write them, because far too many people do not write or talk about it because they are afraid that they will look like bad people if they say anything negative about living with their partner again, and  I want other people to know they are not alone, and that adjusting to life after deployment can be hard even if you are extremely happy your loved one is home.

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He’s home!! We are apart again and I am not liking the unknown

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On a very good note: He’s home!!!!
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Seeing him for the first time in 9 months was absolutely wonderful, it is that feeling that always keeps me going. The first kiss, the first time I get to hold his hand, his arms around me for the first time at night again.  It’s almost surreal when it is happening.

I enjoyed every second of my time with my husband in El paso, among other things we cuddled, and watched movies, went out to dinner and talked, and it was almost like dating having no kids staying in a hotel.

“So dawn goes down to day, Nothing gold can stay”  ~Robert Frost

Saying goodbye AGAIN was hard, I didn’t want to leave him there, and my heart hurt, not that I couldn’t handle it but more of I am sick of handling it, I am sick of saying goodbye and I am sick of having little control over our lives together.
I am currently in freak out mode, this is mostly because I am an intense planner and a self admitted control freak, I want need to be in control, and when I am not in control I stress, that is why being an Army wife is so difficult for me.  I do not handle sitting back and waiting well and if you have any experience with the Army you know that is exactly what it is, hurry up and wait and write everything in pencil.  At the moment I have no idea when or where I am moving to, or when I will get to be with my husband again.  There are 3 factors and each one has different results:

1. He is putting in a request to be released which means hopefully we would be able to leave really soon, this is the option that we are praying for, the one that would make me a very happy girl

2. If they declined his paperwork to leave early he will put in for 60 days leave, basically making him able to leave in early December, not the best because I would still stay here and we would be apart for 4 more months, I know it is crazy to opt to stay separate, but we have reasons, such as the schooling there being a year behind schooling in the north, we do not want our children to be set back again, as A had a very hard time catching up this year, medically my daughter and I do not do well with the air in El paso, and financially it is the smarter option.  If this is the case we will probably fly him here a couple times to visit

3.  The worst case…they deny both and he can’t move to Washington until February, if this happens then we will move back to El paso because I refuse to give up that much time with my husband, which you can probably guess is just going to be a mess

The thing is I just want to know one way or the other.

I am curious to know if any of you have ever opted to stay in separate states before?  I know some do  because as I kissed my husband goodbye before boarding the plane in El paso, I watched another girl do the exact same thing and get on the plane with me.

I must admit though I am feeling a little alone on this and a little like I have no idea what the best decision is and if we are making it, or not.

We are together and together we are perfect!

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It just occurred to me that the last time I seen my husband I was not a blogger. I was 15lbs heavier.  I had lighter hair. I had not  been to college, let alone succeeded and finished college. I had no idea what it felt like to see one of my babies wheeled away into the operating room, or to break my ankle.   I had 3 less tattoos and 2 less piercings, and I was still able to have a baby.

So much has happened in 8 1/2 months, it is almost surreal.

I have to wonder how much I have changed in that amount of time, I mean I obviously have, all of those things can’t happen and leave you exactly as you were, and if I changed how much has he changed? What is different about him?

I guess it really doesn’t matter, because while I have changed I am still me, and while he may have changed he is still him, and for the moment no matter how brief we are together, and we are perfect!

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Send a free photo book to your deployed soldier

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In honor of Father’s day and because my husband is spending his Father’s Day in Iraq I wanted to share this great program through the USO and Rocketlife.  This one is for the family to make something special for the soldier.  I made one for my husband, and he loved it.  It is small enough to carry around in their cargo pockets yet large enough that you can fit over 60 photos.  It took about 2 weeks for my husband to receive his, which is pretty quick.  So if you want to do something nice for your soldier, send him a bunch of home photos he is sure to love, and the best part it’s absolutely FREE! Click on the link to get started!

Make a photo book

Meet the man beside the girl

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Let me start by saying my husband has no tattoos and no piercings and I go back and forth on rather I would like it if he got some or not(he is always talking about doing it), so anyway if he was going to get tattoos yea my name across his fingers would be fabulous, and I am well aware that every Queen needs her King as well…okay maybe not, look at Queen Elizabeth she seems to be doing just fine without a King..well lets just say I want a King….but I digress, this post is suppose to be about him:

I met my husband shortly after getting out of a 7 year relationship that was pretty toxic, ok not pretty toxic, REALLY toxic, and technically I met him while I was in said toxic relationship, but I didn’t meet him in person until 5 months after the downfall of my first major relationship.  It would suffice to say I was jaded…I certainly didn’t want another relationship, I was pretty happy being single for the first time since I was 17 and he really just seemed like a fun way to kill time…He was suppose to be my rebound relationship, and it was suppose to end. We first started talking on Xbox live after he sent me a friend request because I sticky bombed his friends face…ya see I was playing with my boys and he was playing with his, and somehow I got thrown on a team with 3 of them and one of theirs got thrown on a team with my boys, anyways that isn’t really all that important but it is the reason we started talking so thought I would throw it in.  I met him in January 2007. He was from NYC and I was from the sticks in NY, so we met in the middle, even though I was well into my adult years I told my mom I went to high school with him and he had been to our house, I know for a fact she would have tried to talk me out of going and meeting a guy from xboxlive, the funny thing is she completely believed me and the funnier thing is he is Puerto Rican,  and I had never had a PR friend over in high school…Sorry Mom! I had talked to pretty much his entire family on the phone, seen pictures and so on so I figured I was pretty safe, but just in case I left the address and phone number of where I would be on my dresser in my room, with his name, his parents name, and his address, you can never be too careful right, I mean the crazy thing is I had been considering a date with this guy from myspace 3 months earlier, ok more than considering, we had a date planned, he was from the town right next to mine, and the races seemed like a good idea, but 3 days before our date I read a news article that made my skin crawl, he had actually killed his pregnant girlfriend(no I didn’t know he had a girlfriend, or that she was pregnant) and himself….well I guess you could say I dodged a bullet there, and yet here I was 2 months later still stupid enough to meet a guy I didn’t know, but I had it figured like this, if i met a guy in a bar, a bookstore, a library or at church(if I went to church) he could be a psycho serial killer too, so lets be honest the dating world can almost always be deadly…again I digress (bare with me like I said Oh Squirrel) I could say that he swept me off my feet that first day, and that it was love at first sight, but I would be lying, what I can say without telling lies is he was AMAZING in bed…I know I know TMI, but seriously it’s a valid point, because that was pretty much what made me decide to see him again, and don’t get me wrong sure he was sweet, pretty much would do anything for me, but that’s not what got me, well not that first day anyways.  We spent the weekend together, and it was by all standards a great weekend, afterwards we talked all the time, and would meet up here and there, he would tell me that i was going to marry him one day and I kept saying it wasn’t going to happen, one day came sooner than I thought…but we’ll get to that in a minute.  So when did I actually know he was right?  I called him one day and I had a cold I told him I was sick and to come take care of me, I was joking, I never really actually thought he would come take care of me over a friggin cold, but about 4 1/2 hours later I was doing something in the kitchen when my dad said that D was at the door….I was totally all yea fuckin right dad, and he was all I’m serious, and sure enough he was, he had actually taken a bus and a cab to come take care of me….at that very moment I knew I would marry him. My son and him hit it off from the beginning, he was great with him and they both loved video games so it was nice.  In June some crazy stuff happened between his family and him, and me and him that I am just not getting into in this post but to take a long story right to the point, I picked him and his stuff up and boom we were living together, we got our own apartment, he got a job, and he held up to a promise he made and had me quit mine, finally giving me the opportunity to be a stay at home mom, something I had never been.  Life was good, he wasn’t like the last relationship(and still isn’t, although the honeymoon phase has definitely passed), In July he started talking about joining the army, he had a goal, become PA and get out, so I figured if it was what he really wanted to do I could deal with it for a little while, and he went through the beginning process of joining, in August I got pregnant with our daughter, he was ecstatic, I was nervous(but again another story for a later time), He proposed to me on the beach at Coney Island, and on November 17 2007 we got married, in a small ceremony at my parents house, no we didn’t rush because I we were having a baby, we rushed because his paperwork had went through and he was officially going to be a soldier in the US Army, 3 days after we got married the recruiter came and took him away for BCT, that is how I became a military wife, and where I believe made the worst mistake of my life, I should have begged him not to do it, we are almost 6 years in now and it has became a career choice instead of an in and out, had I known then, we wouldn’t be here now, but like I said before it is what it is, He loves the Army and I love my soldier!

Catching Butterflies

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Things have been so crazy in Afghanistan, particularly in the area my husband is in, It has really started to get to me, I have a slight issue where I always tend to panic the last couple months of deployment anyway, I blame it all on songs and movies, since in those something always happens to the soldier right before he is suppose to come home, they have me pretty much convinced that it will go down that way, and even though this isn’t our first deployment go round, It still gets to me.  Losing 8  soldiers from Ft Bliss and my husbands brigade, some I knew and some I didn’t  has done nothing to ease my mind either, I think about each one of them and their families everyday and then I worry more and more.  My husband has also been out on quite a few missions lately so I have came to the conclusion that he is going to have to start calling going on a mission catching butterflies, It sounds a lot more pleasant, I mean who gets hurt catching butterflies right?

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