Tag Archives: parenting humor

Aren’t they suppose to be watching movies or something

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My son came home with homework….wait what? Homework? How many days of school are left? Aren’t they suppose to be watching movies or something? Damn it, I thought I was done with homework for the year, I mean seriously we just finished a Science project and a Social Studies project in the last 2 weeks of school, now a math packet! My hair was turning grey just thinking about the math packet.  I was about to have a full on meltdown of toddler proportions.  You see my son struggles with math, and I do not mean he gets a few things wrong, I mean he has a hard time grasping basic concepts like lets say counting money, and all year I have been having to help him with things like mixed fraction addition and subtraction, long division and multiplication.  By the time we finish a math packet one of us is always in tears.  It’s not his fault, we just moved to New York from Texas and let me tell you how far behind Texas schools are compared to New York in the math department, he went from 9×3 to 759/42, couple that with ADHD and the whole thing is a nightmare.  I just can’t for the life of me understand why schooling can’t be the same throughout the country, maybe this would help families that have to move a lot like we do, it’s not like we move on purpose, it’s the military life style, and our kids end up paying for it. Another thing is if I had wanted to be a teacher I would have went to college and got a teaching degree…I suck at teaching, which consequently means I suck at homework help, at least where math is concerned, which is strange because I always excelled in math, I think it’s the combination of it came so easy for me and I don’t know how to explain it, and it’s been a few years since I did this type of math.  I even hired a tutor and he had one through the school, you would think this would help, except it didn’t.  His school tutor  is an English teacher and she keeps trying to teach him formulas or tricks, while the other tutor and myself try to help him memorize things like say the multiplication table, the problem with tips and tricks is he ends up confusing which tip or trick to use when, and what good does that do him? I am almost certain it sat him back even further.  I tried to pull him from that tutor but some ridiculous law in upstate New York said I couldn’t…don’t get me started on that, it’s a story for another time, I’ve already went off track enough I think.  Let’s complicate the homework matter with the fact that I had promised to take the munchkins out for ice cream after dinner.  So picture it, here I am sitting at the kitchen table trying to help my oldest with math while my younger one tries in vain to steal the spotlight.  First problem: I explain, walk him through it, boom now he has a written reference point, so things should be easier right? WRONG! That didn’t seem to help at all, Next question: walk him through it again, smaller munchkin is screaming out random numbers just to fuck with us, because she likes to do insane shit like that, *ignore her ignore her ignore her* I keep telling myself that while I am trying to explain these math problems to him.  Stop in the middle of the problem put little munchkin in time out, continue, little munchkin still screaming from her spot in time out, again repeating my ignore her mantra, finally make it through problem 2, problem 3: I say give it a try, see if you can do it. 1 minute, 2 minute, 3 minute, 4 minutes, 17 minutes later he gives me his answer, It’s wrong, repeat walk through. We repeated these same steps for 2 hours, oldest munchkin is now in tears with 3 problems left to go, little munchkin is professing her new found hate for me,  and him, and I am thinking about checking in to a mental institute, It’s gotta be better than this right?

That my friends is when I did the worst mommy move I have ever done.  So bad I barely want to share it with you, but I am going to anyways.  I looked at the oldest munchkin, and told him exactly what to write down where to show his work, and the answer to put on the paper…3 questions, 5 minutes and we were all wearing smiles and on our way for ice cream…

Look I’m not proud of what I did, but I can’t say I regret it either, again there are only 6 days and 3 half days left of school  shouldn’t they be watching movies or something?

MjAxMy05MzFkMjNhZWNlMTI2Zjhk Extra_Help_Cartoon_2

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Dad vs Mom

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I have to admit, I love all the jokes on the internet about how mom works harder than dad, They almost always make me giggle, that’s probably because they are fairly accurate and if I don’t laugh I may do something harmful to the man who fathered my munchkins.  I really can’t get enough of them. I mean seriously it does seem like Mommies get the raw end of the deal sometimes am I right?
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This post is going to be a little different than the one’s about how being a mom is harder and such, because this one is going to tell you why being a mom is so awesome, just gotta stick with me, I’ll get to it I promise

Lets start with the fact that if you are a stay at home mom, you spend pretty much all day everyday with your children and when Daddy finally does get home from work, you look a lot like this:
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And who needs a break?  By the looks of this it must be Daddy right, so Daddy tends to look like this:
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May you have one of those super awesome husbands who will watch the baby for a little while when he gets home so you can maybe use the bathroom alone or eat something for the first time all day
We are so tired and over-stressed that we appreciate it even if it looks a little like this
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But beware, just because Daddy says he will look after the kids doesn’t mean the kids will actually agree to this!
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And if Daddy needs to get something for one of the kids, like say a cup he will probably have to come get you to find out where you actually store the cups, even though you have lived in the same house for years and the cups have always been in the same cupboard
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Mom’s are usually responsible for getting up with their children in the middle of the night too
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Although I have heard some Daddy’s actually do this too
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You also need to know that mom’s are not allowed to get sick….EVER!
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Daddy’s on the other hand are allowed and when they do, you must make sure to take very good care of them, even if you are also sick at the time, just refer to the last rule okay
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You see while Daddy’s get sick days, a paycheck and paid vacation, Mom’s are not so fortunate
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Lets say that Daddy finally plans a vacation, don’t get your hopes up too much, I know you want to relax and all, You are probably sitting there right now picturing yourself on a beautiful beach, margarita in one hand, book in the other, but it’s not going to happen sister, Daddy’s vacation may work out like that
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But face it, Yours will be much more like this:

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As promised though I am about to reveal why it is so awesome to be the mommy!
You know those times when you are doing something questionable like feeding your kids ice cream for dinner, or speeding, or cussing at the car in front of you at a stop sign or on the highway, and you say to your kids “Don’t tell Dad” and they don’t
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Well Guess what happens when Dad does something like that and tells them not to tell mom
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And that my friend is why being a Mom is so Awesome!
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A 3 year olds apocalypse prep

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My little girl has been preparing for the apocalypse for quite some time, I swear she always has emergency stashes of pretty much everything, I even once found a stash of toothpicks in her room inside of a little people farm, when I asked what they are for, she said so if they bad guys come I can stab them in the eye…THAT’S  MY GIRL!
except wait…bad guys are coming? I wasn’t sure if I should be concerned about this or not, I have seen a lot of horror movies and so I like to take the crazy shit my kids say pretty seriously because I never want to be one of those moms that lets her kid die, or dies herself because she didn’t believe them when they said the aliens came for a visit and they colored on the couch….so gotta admit for the next couple days I was on edge, just waiting for the bad guys to come, and I let her keep her toothpick stash Another of my favorites was the bottle of water…here you can see for yourself

Sugarplum Love VS The Evil Spawn

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People tell me all the time that I shouldn’t call my princess evil, but fuck that they do not live with her, so here’s the deal, you live with her for a month and if you still think I am wrong I’ll start calling her something a little better than the evil spawn I can actually bet this and know I would win, because I have on both accounts, My family in New York was always telling me not to call her that, that was until we moved home for my husbands Iraq deployment the evil spawn was 18 months old and only a few months into her rein of terror and I relished in the looks on my families faces when she did something so off the wall that they didn’t even know what to say to her,  the biggest joy came when my father finally said to me “You win she is evil”  Never had 5 words sounded so sweet.  Lets be real just because I love my children doesn’t mean I can’t be honest, me calling her an evil spawn in no way affects the love I have for her, but she has been putting me through absolute hell since conception. Yes conception, because my evil spawn started her journey to this world by repeatedly trying to strangle herself with the umbilical cord, this led to doctors appointments 3-4 days a week for non stress tests and ultrasounds, if you have ever had to endure that especially whilst dragging along your other child, you know it is not fun, sure the first 5 times were all oooh ahhhhh look at her, she’s sucking her thumb, staring into neverland just amazed at the sound of the tiny being living inside of you’s heart beating, but after 20 times it gets old, and you just want to be doing anything but laying on an exam table with wires attached to you listening to your other child’s DS.  If only I had known then what was in store I am have actually enjoyed those moments more. As a newborn my little spawn cried, constantly, it wasn’t her fault she was allergic to almost every formula invented, and I felt for her I really did, but I also felt for me, who was not sleeping, not eating, and pretty much pulling my hair out, was it suppose to be this difficult.  We had a few good months when we got that sorted out, but then she ended up with RSV, we spent a few days in the hospital and the next 6 months in and out of doctors offices, so regularly that I considered buying a cot and just living there. However it was around 14 months that she really started being a terror.  She would go out of her way to drive me bonkers, make a mess or break something, she is extremely smart which made her that much more of a threat, at 15 months old she was stacking bowls to form ladders, and at 18 months old there was not a baby proofing system she couldn’t systematically take apart. There was a time when my 16 year old niece couldn’t get into the bathroom because of the the baby proof door knob, she stood there trying for a few minutes when C walked over and opened the door for her…so the beauty that I figured all these contraptions would be was not.  I read hundred of baby/children and parenting books, I tried even more approaches to get her to listen, to calm down, or to stop being so destructive, When I say I have tried everything I have, except for baby bootcamp, which is still an idea we are throwing around.  She doesn’t care at all, and nothing much changes her mind, as she grows she gets better in some areas but replaces them in others, She loves her brother more than anything and will wait by the window for him to come home from school, but sometimes I wonder if it is just because she can’t wait to torture him. I guess she has 2 personalities, the other which I call sugarplum love, because when sugarplum love comes out to play the angels sing, I think they fight battles inside of her and I am just waiting for the day that the tables turn and sugarplum love kicks the evil spawns ass for good….I can hope right?

Holy Eff!

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My little spawn come out and asks me “Mommy would you mind if I drew on the walls” Umm thanks for asking I guess but yes in fact I would mind if you drew on the walls, “Where are we suppose to draw?” “On paper”  She returns about 5 minutes later holding this:

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Can you guess what that is? I’ll give you hint, it is not a turkey….
While holding it she looks at me and says, Mommy we are’t suppose to stick up our middle finger like this right?

Yup I am one proud mommy and I would say she doesn’t get that shit from me but:

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Can’t I take just 1 bath alone

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I ask myself this question every week, I ask her this question every week, she always says yes…but apparently the time hasn’t came yet for my 1 bath alone….If I could go back I would appreciate baths alone much much more than I ever did before I had children

Do you remember the days when you could actually sit in a bath for more than 5 minutes, the days when a little urchin did not weasel there way into at least the bathroom and more often than not into your water, Sharing seriously sucks some times..this is one of those times

My bath was not so relaxing:
Me: C I am gonna go take a bath can you behave?
C: Yup, hey can I take a bath with you?
Me: No C you just had a bath and mommy would really like to take one on her own tonight
C: Can I come in and talk to you
Me: I guess so
C: *goes into bathroom* Hey do you want to play with my toys in the bath
Me: Thanks for offering but I would like my bath to be toy free, so lets keep the toys out of the bath okay
C: OkaY

She then proceeds to put toys in my bath, tries to help me wash gets her shirt soaked(I repeatedly ask her to stop and tell her I don’t want her all wet) She then removes her shirt
Me: What are you doing?
C: You said you didn’t want me getting wet, my shirt was already wet

*Spectacular*

She then proceeds to take the rest of her clothes off
Me: Umm what are you doing now
C: You need help I am gonna get in
Me; No th…..*Yup that is all I got out before she got in

I finish my sentence by saying that I asked her not to get in my bath

She then hops out stepping all over her clothes and soaking them

Me: Ya know what just get it in it is too late now, I appreciate your listening(I think my sarcasm is lost on her)
I get out
“Enjoy your bath C”

Next thing I know she is out of the bath and crying….wait a minute shouldn’t I be crying?!?

WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS CRYING WHEN YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT? I mean I get the whole crying when they don’t get their way but come on, now she cries when she does get her way, and do you know why? Because I hurt her feelings when I got out of the bath…..Ok pain in my ass…you hurt my feelings when you ruined my perfectly relaxing bath, how about that? (and for the critics, of course I did not actually say that, I am usually pretty good at keeping my thoughts from coming out of my mouth when it comes to my children)