People tell me all the time that I shouldn’t call my princess evil, but fuck that they do not live with her, so here’s the deal, you live with her for a month and if you still think I am wrong I’ll start calling her something a little better than the evil spawn I can actually bet this and know I would win, because I have on both accounts, My family in New York was always telling me not to call her that, that was until we moved home for my husbands Iraq deployment the evil spawn was 18 months old and only a few months into her rein of terror and I relished in the looks on my families faces when she did something so off the wall that they didn’t even know what to say to her, the biggest joy came when my father finally said to me “You win she is evil” Never had 5 words sounded so sweet. Lets be real just because I love my children doesn’t mean I can’t be honest, me calling her an evil spawn in no way affects the love I have for her, but she has been putting me through absolute hell since conception. Yes conception, because my evil spawn started her journey to this world by repeatedly trying to strangle herself with the umbilical cord, this led to doctors appointments 3-4 days a week for non stress tests and ultrasounds, if you have ever had to endure that especially whilst dragging along your other child, you know it is not fun, sure the first 5 times were all oooh ahhhhh look at her, she’s sucking her thumb, staring into neverland just amazed at the sound of the tiny being living inside of you’s heart beating, but after 20 times it gets old, and you just want to be doing anything but laying on an exam table with wires attached to you listening to your other child’s DS. If only I had known then what was in store I am have actually enjoyed those moments more. As a newborn my little spawn cried, constantly, it wasn’t her fault she was allergic to almost every formula invented, and I felt for her I really did, but I also felt for me, who was not sleeping, not eating, and pretty much pulling my hair out, was it suppose to be this difficult. We had a few good months when we got that sorted out, but then she ended up with RSV, we spent a few days in the hospital and the next 6 months in and out of doctors offices, so regularly that I considered buying a cot and just living there. However it was around 14 months that she really started being a terror. She would go out of her way to drive me bonkers, make a mess or break something, she is extremely smart which made her that much more of a threat, at 15 months old she was stacking bowls to form ladders, and at 18 months old there was not a baby proofing system she couldn’t systematically take apart. There was a time when my 16 year old niece couldn’t get into the bathroom because of the the baby proof door knob, she stood there trying for a few minutes when C walked over and opened the door for her…so the beauty that I figured all these contraptions would be was not. I read hundred of baby/children and parenting books, I tried even more approaches to get her to listen, to calm down, or to stop being so destructive, When I say I have tried everything I have, except for baby bootcamp, which is still an idea we are throwing around. She doesn’t care at all, and nothing much changes her mind, as she grows she gets better in some areas but replaces them in others, She loves her brother more than anything and will wait by the window for him to come home from school, but sometimes I wonder if it is just because she can’t wait to torture him. I guess she has 2 personalities, the other which I call sugarplum love, because when sugarplum love comes out to play the angels sing, I think they fight battles inside of her and I am just waiting for the day that the tables turn and sugarplum love kicks the evil spawns ass for good….I can hope right?
I ask myself this question every week, I ask her this question every week, she always says yes…but apparently the time hasn’t came yet for my 1 bath alone….If I could go back I would appreciate baths alone much much more than I ever did before I had children
Do you remember the days when you could actually sit in a bath for more than 5 minutes, the days when a little urchin did not weasel there way into at least the bathroom and more often than not into your water, Sharing seriously sucks some times..this is one of those times
My bath was not so relaxing:
Me: C I am gonna go take a bath can you behave?
C: Yup, hey can I take a bath with you?
Me: No C you just had a bath and mommy would really like to take one on her own tonight
C: Can I come in and talk to you
Me: I guess so
C: *goes into bathroom* Hey do you want to play with my toys in the bath
Me: Thanks for offering but I would like my bath to be toy free, so lets keep the toys out of the bath okay
She then proceeds to put toys in my bath, tries to help me wash gets her shirt soaked(I repeatedly ask her to stop and tell her I don’t want her all wet) She then removes her shirt
Me: What are you doing?
C: You said you didn’t want me getting wet, my shirt was already wet
She then proceeds to take the rest of her clothes off
Me: Umm what are you doing now
C: You need help I am gonna get in
Me; No th…..*Yup that is all I got out before she got in
I finish my sentence by saying that I asked her not to get in my bath
She then hops out stepping all over her clothes and soaking them
Me: Ya know what just get it in it is too late now, I appreciate your listening(I think my sarcasm is lost on her)
I get out
“Enjoy your bath C”
Next thing I know she is out of the bath and crying….wait a minute shouldn’t I be crying?!?
WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS CRYING WHEN YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT? I mean I get the whole crying when they don’t get their way but come on, now she cries when she does get her way, and do you know why? Because I hurt her feelings when I got out of the bath…..Ok pain in my ass…you hurt my feelings when you ruined my perfectly relaxing bath, how about that? (and for the critics, of course I did not actually say that, I am usually pretty good at keeping my thoughts from coming out of my mouth when it comes to my children)